Can, 49
I was used to telling people that I could only offer them adventure, but with Shani that wasn’t true
I remember the moment Shani leaned forward slightly at brunch. We started kissing but we were a bit tipsy so decided to leave it there. I’d been poly for seven years after my divorce, rediscovering myself through the pleasure of connection with different people.
Shani and I both decided to stop having sex with other people so that we could experience each other fully. I was used to telling people that I could only offer them adventure, but with Shani that wasn’t true. Maybe it was timing, or that she also wanted good sex with someone who didn’t need a relationship. In the beginning, she focused on the physical – I was more of a sexual tool for her than a partner, and I understood why she needed that. But trust grew slowly and Shani began to let her guard down. Now she says she likes my company as well as my anatomy.
More than two years in, we still can’t get enough. We only see each other a few nights every couple of weeks, and that distance keeps the sexual tension alive. My life with Shani is completely separate from my life as a divorced father. There’s still a part of my heart that’s frozen, and difficult to open up and give away. Divorce does that to a person.
What I’m drawn to most is her brilliant mind. She’s intelligent and has strong opinions, which is as arousing to me as her figure. The more she realises how much I love her body, the better the sex is. Shani initiates by walking through the door wearing a certain nail polish or lipstick or shoes. I initiate by coming up behind her and biting her neck, and depending on the way she smiles or pushes back on me, I can tell there’s reciprocity. If she’s horny, it’s written all over her face.
I didn’t think my sex life would be like this in my late 40s. It helps that Shani and I are very open with each other. We talk about attraction, other people, our fantasies. She told me early on that she can get jealous. It’s about being open – communicating our doubts and fears rather than letting them sit unspoken.
Shani, 44
Our relationship is intuitive and exists in the present, so I don’t know what long-term looks like
I’d known Can for 15 years when I invited him over for brunch. I hadn’t felt attracted to him before, but then we got drunk and kissed. Nothing else happened between us that day because we both had plans, but we knew that something was unfolding and we’d jump on each other the next time we met. When we eventually did, we had sex for two days. The attraction is just as strong two and a half years later.
At the time, I was coming out of a wild period after my husband of 12 years left me out of the blue. I moved around a lot, between cities and countries, sleeping on sofas, never staying in one place longer than a month. At the peak, I was sleeping with four men I met via apps in one day. Being with everyone was a way to avoid being with anyone, so I wouldn’t be abandoned again. But it eventually started to scare me, so by the time Can and I got together I’d already decided to stop.
Getting closer to Can was scary, so I told myself it was just sex. But being with him was fun and easy, so I was open to seeing where it could go. He was poly and divorced, and didn’t seem as if he needed anything from me, which made it feel safer. When he decided to stop seeing other people early on, it was reassuring. I really trust him; he’s taking the cynicism out of me. But the fear is still there – that he’ll fancy someone else and leave me for them.
We talk about going to sex clubs and bringing other people in – Can is the first person I can imagine doing that with. But seeing him with someone else will be a test. I’m not sure how I’ll react.
We live an hour apart and don’t talk every day, and I like that distance. I don’t want to rely on anyone, but I know I can rely on him. When we’re together, we have sex first, then talk. Our relationship is intuitive and exists in the present, so I don’t know what long-term looks like, but I don’t see why it can’t continue like this.