The prosecution: Rita
Martin says his novelty ashtrays are decor and will spoil in the rain, but ash in our home is gross
Martin, my partner of seven years, has a gross habit: he is a smoker. He was already a smoker when I met him, and although he’s gradually cut down – I even got him off cigarettes entirely a few years ago – he’s been unable to stay off them for long. He has now settled on around three to five menthol cigarettes a week, which I am happier with.
Of course, I’d prefer him to stop smoking entirely, but he has to quit on his own terms. During his first attempt, he started smoking again after his mum died, so I want to be respectful. At my request, Martin smokes in the garden of our flat.
Generally, I ask that we not keep cigarettes and ashtrays in our home because they remind me that he is slowly killing himself with tar and nicotine. But a year or so ago, Martin started buying novelty ashtrays. I think the first one was an ashtray he bought on holiday in Spain, which was in the shape of a crab. Initially I thought, “OK, this one is like a piece of ceramic art. It’s fine, we can keep this inside.” Then he got a nice peach-coloured dish that looks like a plate.
But now his collection has grown to include some really ugly ones, including a few that simply look like ashtrays, which goes against my rule. Sometimes he will take them outside to smoke, but then not empty them when he brings them back in. Again, that goes against my rule, as now there’s ash in the house, and I think that’s gross.
I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. Martin says he doesn’t want to leave the novelty ashtrays outside because they are technically decor and may get ruined in the rain. This was never a problem before he started collecting them. He simply left the ordinary ashtrays outside.
I think if he returned to using normal ashtrays, life would be better for us both. I’d be pleased if he threw out all his collector ones, but I won’t ask him to do that. At the moment, we are just constantly moving them in and out of our home. It feels silly.
The defence: Martin
I’ve already compromised and cut down on smoking – plus they’re more like collector’s items
I know Rita hates smoking, and to be honest I don’t blame her – it’s not a glamorous habit. But I was already a smoker when we met. Over time I’ve tried to change that part of my life quite a lot, partly because I know it worries her and also because I want to improve my health.
I quit cigarettes completely for a year, which was genuinely difficult for me. I started again after my mum died, which was a rough time. These days I smoke around three to five menthols a week, and I always do it outside in the garden. I would never smoke inside the flat.
However, the ashtray situation has somehow become an issue. I started collecting novelty ones for a bit of fun. If I saw an interesting one on holiday or in a market, I’d pick it up. The crab from Spain is a quirky souvenir. I’ve also got a few valuable ones: there’s a Murano glass bowl and a few vintage pieces. They’re fun and I’ve found a community online who collect them. Rita hates it and thinks it encourages smoking, but even if I stopped, I’d want to keep these.
She agreed they could live inside because they look more like decorative pieces than ashtrays. I also threw out all my old, ugly ones the time I quit, and don’t want to buy those again when I have the decorative ones. I bring them in and out of the house because I love looking at them on our shelves.
I think Rita has a fair point about the ash. If I’ve taken one outside and then brought it back in without emptying it first, I can understand why that bothers her. But I’ve already made compromises: cutting down my smoking drastically and only smoking outside. The ashtrays are something I enjoy collecting, and they’re not really about smoking so much as the objects themselves.
I’d like a bit of balance. I’m happy to make sure they’re clean before they come back inside, but I don’t think having a small, slightly odd collection of ashtrays in the house in anyway indicates that I’m ignoring Rita’s feelings.
The jury of Guardian readers
I applaud Martin for attempting to cut down on smoking. I propose that he keeps a few of his artsy ashtrays but takes steps to quit smoking completely. Maybe in time he will realise Murano glass exists in more beautiful forms – but mainly, he will be in full health!
Jakub, 33
I won’t pretend to understand the appeal of Martin’s interest in novelty ashtrays, but he has every right to collect them. Surely the best compromise is for Martin to keep them on display on a designated shelf while leaving an everyday ashtray outside.
Will, 36
The ashtray collection and the smoking habit seem like two different issues. Martin can collect whatever he likes (to a point), but should clean his ashtrays before coming inside, out of respect for Rita. As the collection grows, perhaps agree on just a few to display?
Ursula, 22
Smoking is a terrible habit, but it seems Martin’s ashtray collection is fairly harmless. He could reach a new compromise with Rita by deciding which ashtrays should be used and kept outside, while the rest remain inside.
Zeina, 23
The ashtrays should serve as functional or decorative – not both. Martin should buy one that he is happy to leave outside and keep his novelty ones inside, so he isn’t constantly bringing in the smell of cigarettes to the house.
Katherine, 29
Now you be the judge
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We asked if Hugo should hold his girlfriends’s hand in public
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