Still trying and failing to plan a trip to Japan, I have at least found one absolute must: a pilgrimage to see the Future Human Washing Machine. Following its unveiling last year, this JPY 60m (£280,000) capsule, in which a person is washed, thanks to the magic of microbubbles, and returned to the world in 15 minutes without moving a muscle is now on show in electronics shops in Tokyo.
It’s essentially a hi-tech car wash, but for humans: the dream. As my best friend says, “I have never needed anything more.” The two of us bond, frequently, over how unnecessarily exhausting getting clean is. She has long Covid; I’m just lazy and find getting clean such a drag I need a few minutes scrolling on the bathroom floor to recover (if this worries anyone, no, I’m not deficient in anything except moral fibre).
A YouTuber, Joey “The Anime Man” Bizinger, was allowed to test out the human washer recently and I watched rapt as the microbubbles cleansed him. It was, apparently, “the perfect temperature bro, legit” and “lowkey feels good”. Tempting – but I did notice that it needed a few tweaks for perfection. For a start, Bizinger still seemed wet when he exited, whereas my understanding was the machine would leave you dry and ready to face the world. Unless it does, it won’t resolve my “beached on the bathroom floor in a towel” issue.
Then how about some upgrades? For a start, it needs to tackle teeth. There’s nothing more tedious than brushing for two minutes, flossing and poking around with a pointy interspace brush … ugh, even typing that has filled me with ennui. Then how about some skincare – surely it wouldn’t be that hard to add exfoliation and the kind of deep double cleanse skinfluencers recommend but normal humans rarely manage? And why not one of those LED masks that make you look like an alien and apparently do wonders? If the human washer could do all that, I reckon they would really have created an “everything shower” worth 60m yen.