It used to be football managers who measured their time at a club in months. Or even days at Spurs. Anything over two years qualifies you for a long service medal. Now it’s prime ministers. In fact it’s worse than that. Because it’s also people who might one day be prime minister.
While some Labour MPs are working out how to get rid of Keir Starmer, others are already plotting how to force Wes Streeting out of office should he jump the gun before Andy Burnham is ready to launch his challenge. Who knows where all this could end? Somewhere in the metasphere. It can’t be long before Liz Truss is no longer our shortest serving prime minister. Long live the lettuce.
Even as I write, Zia Yusuf is probably compiling a dossier on Nigel Farage’s mysterious donations so that he can force him out of office sometime in 2030. I think we can take it that no one will be doing the same for Kemi Badenoch as she doesn’t have a prayer of making it to Downing Street. It’s more than possible that the next Tory prime minister hasn’t yet been elected to Westminster. That’s if there is still a Conservative party in 15 years’ time. Maybe we should learn to count our blessings.
But you can’t say that Labour hasn’t learned from the Tories. They too have turned politics into a rolling psychodrama. Theresa May was removed because she couldn’t get Brexit done. Boris Johnson was kicked out for his venality and rule-breaking. Radon Liz had to go because she was completely hopeless. Somehow the Tories were in such a hurry to find a replacement for Boris they forgot to ask Liz to conduct a basic intelligence test.
So now, less than two years after winning a 170-seat majority, Starmer finds himself on the verge of being forced to resign, with more than 80 of his MPs including several ministers having publicly called for him to go. Shabana Mahmood and Yvette Cooper told him the same thing in private. Keir’s crime? To have just been not very inspiring. To have been the Keir he always had been. Hiding in plain sight. There had never been any pretence. He had always been poor at the politics of running the country. He had done a few things well, a lot of things mediocrely, and some things badly.
In other circumstances that might have all been forgiven. A novice prime minister learning on the job would have been given a while longer to improve. Put on a warning. But these are not ordinary times. Labour MPs have been genuinely spooked by the local election results. The prospect of a Reform government is much scarier than that of another Tory administration. Even a Conservative party veering into Reform territory. And many Labour members believe the Keir brand has become so toxic that if he stays in office, Nige is nailed on to win the next election.
But Keir isn’t minded to go anywhere just yet. Certainly not without a fight. And he still has an ultra loyalist praetorian guard who can be sent out to defend him. Or sort of ultra loyalist. Step forward chief secretary to the prime minister, Darren Jones, who was the lucky man tasked with handling the morning media round. Not sounding as if he altogether knew quite the line he was supposed to take but knowing that freestyling could make things far worse than they already were.
Inevitably all the questions were about Starmer’s leadership. He’s listening and talking to colleagues, Darren insisted. Even if he didn’t seem entirely convinced Keir was even listening to the voices in his own head. At times this all began to feel like a comedy of errors. We’re all focused on our jobs, Jones continued. This had the virtue of being true. If not in the sense that Dazza intended. Keir was indeed thinking about his job. As were members of the cabinet. In as much as how long they had left in office.
“I can’t get ahead of any decision he might take,” Jones told Sky when asked if Starmer would be setting out a timetable for his resignation. Not exactly a ringing endorsement. Someone must have got to Dazza before the Today interview as he did not make the same mistake again. Now he claimed that no one was interested in the fantasy politics of who was up or down in the Labour party. This was a complete lie – it’s literally the only thing dominating the news agenda. He also said the country didn’t need any more chaos. A bit late for that.
A little while later it was time for Keir to take the weekly cabinet meeting. Apparently he said he wouldn’t be talking about the leadership and if anyone wanted to have a word with him about that he would talk to them individually afterward. Then refused to talk to anyone individually. You can’t help feeling that tactic isn’t sustainable indefinitely.
But a few ministers were happy to chat to reporters outside in Downing Street when the meeting was over. None more so than Steve Reed. A man without a disloyal bone in his body. Someone who will go to his grave certain that Keir is the one true Messiah. “The prime minister has my full support,” he said. That might have been a tear we saw in his eyes. Peter Kyle was at pains to let everyone know they had had a fascinating discussion about the situation in Iran. Perhaps someone might pass that on to Donald Trump. Jenny Chapman said the prime minister was focused, resilient and in a good state. She could have been talking about a patient in intensive care.
After that, a period of quiet. Westminster went back into rumour overdrive with just a few ministerial resignations to puncture the silence. The TV hacks went crazy. So little to say, and endless airtime to say it. There was only so much speculation to go round. Give it time and they will start demanding your resignation.